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Caviar and Insurrection with President Putin

An economic hit man’s fantastical imagining of a conversation between his humble house cat and one of President Putin’s “saved” leopards as they discussed the Jan. 6 Washington insurrection. 

by John Perkins

“We were crawling around the floor of the Kremlin lapping up the world’s best caviar. It was everywhere. Also, lots of spilled vodka and Champagne. I don’t like those. But the caviar. Yum! Old Man Putin was the happiest I’ve ever seen him.” 

That’s what Leo told Jaggy in a recent conversation that came over Cat-alyst – their version of Twitter. Leo was describing the euphoria that swept through the Kremlin as the folks there watched the January 6 Washington DC Insurrection that humiliated America on their giant TV screen. “I heard the Old Man say,” Leo continued, “that this was bigger than 9/11 or the pandemic. The world never again will take the US seriously as a functioning democracy.” 

Leo is one of the endangered Persian leopards Russian President Vladimir Putin promised to save during the Sochi Olympics and Jaggy is the miniature house cat version of a jaguar who lives with me. Leo is a boy and Jaggy is a girl.  I know from all the purring during their conversations that we’d have AmerRuss kittens if they could catty up to each other. But alas, distance only allows for the Cat-alyst connection. 

“You know,” Leo went on, “I overheard a phone call when Old Man Putin told China’s Old Man Xi, ‘Trump’s attempted coup of the world’s biggest banana-less banana republic is the best thing that could ever happen to your country and mine. I’ve been asked why Russia didn’t hack US elections this time around.’ My Old Man began to laugh. ‘We didn’t need to. Trump did it for us, brought the US to its knees, without any hacking. Saved us billions of rubles that we could use to hack the entire US government instead. Then those idiots plundered the Capitol.’ His laughter grew. ‘Trump and his QAnon conspiracy rabble showed the world there is an anti-American conspiracy – one led by the president himself!’ He laughed so hard it brought tears to his eyes.  I’d never seen Old Man Putin cry before!” 

Funny cat-toon fantasy? Cat-toon fantasy, yes. Funny, no.  The truth is that both Putin and Xi are undoubtedly happy beyond belief at the 1/6/21 Insurrection. While America’s adversaries rejoice, our allies are terribly distressed. As USA Today reported:

"Disgraceful," said British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

"Terribly distressing," was Australia leader Scott Morrison's reaction. . .

"When in one of the world's oldest democracies’ supporters of an outgoing president take up arms to challenge the legitimate results of an election, a universal idea – that of 'one person, one vote' – is undermined," French President Emmanuel Macron said. . .

"Trump and his supporters should finally accept the decision of the American voters and stop trampling on democracy," German Foreign Minister Heiko Maas said. . . "From inflammatory words come violent deeds." Mass added that "contempt for democratic institutions has disastrous effects."

Norway's Prime Minister Erna Solberg wrote. . . "what we are now seeing from Washington is a completely unacceptable attack on democracy in the United States. President Trump is responsible for stopping this."

In an irony that reflected the feelings of many African, Latin American and Middle Eastern countries, the dictatorial Venezuelan government of Nicolás Maduro said: “With this unfortunate episode, the United States is experiencing what it has generated in other countries with its policies of aggression.” 

Jaggy arched her back, Halloween style, and turned her butt toward me. Then she looked over her shoulder; our eyes met.  When she spoke, I knew exactly what her long drawn-out “Meoooow” meant: Cat’s-ass-trophy.

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